Truth... One of my biggest fears is reading out loud in public. I was one of those kids that would count the people in front of me and read ahead so I knew what I was going to be reading and still when it was my turn, I had this very strong urge to cry or hide. At Bible studies when I knew I would have to read I would try to go to the bathroom over my turn and the number of times that they would wait for me caused me to have minor panic attacks. Also, when I was a kid (to be completely honest, still to this day) I would say in my head “b for baby” and “d for daddy”, I would look at my hands to know which was my right or left, and I wrote my name completely backward for a long time, I even use to get bullied for my spelling to the point of I still refuse to write anything more than a simple word in public. I struggled with learning French that I had studied for years. And when I tell you I was not a good test taker, I truly mean I could not take tests! My French and Oral Com professors in college would tutor me for free and work on trying to figure out the best way I would be able to pass the classes. I disclose myself because I genuinely thought that I was dumb growing up. Until the summer of 2020 when my sister and I were talking one night and decided to look up the symptoms of dyslexia. A mental disorder that can cause learning and reading to be a huge challenge. We all were curious about the idea, but when we read the symptoms, we were on the floor with tears laughing at how they perfectly described me and shocked at how we hadn’t looked that up before.
The Symptoms
I looked this up on a website and there are other descriptions for other ages, however, this one was for teens and adults:
Difficulty reading, including reading aloud
I was reading in front of a class at college once and without warning, all the words turned into a different language that looked like a word puzzle in my brain. I stopped reading mid-sentence and had to ask my partner to continue for me… it was an experience.
Slow and labor-intensive reading and writing
Problem spelling
Avoiding activities that involve reading
Mispronouncing names or words, or problem retrieving words
Trouble understanding jokes or expressions that have a meaning not easily understood from the specific words (idioms), such as “piece of cake” meaning “easy”
This one is probably the one I identify with the least, but it still happens occasionally.
Spending an unusually long time completing tasks that involve reading or writing
I always would be close to the last ones to finish my exams and let’s not talk about when I took the SAT.
Difficulty summarizing a story
My brother last night told me I could have easily told a 10-minute story in 30 seconds, but what about all the details?
Trouble learning a foreign language
Difficulty memorizing
Difficulty doing math
The Reality
When we read it, we both laughed because most of those symptoms I have struggled with for years. I had always felt so incompetent and as if I was doing something wrong, always wondering why I couldn’t keep up with my friends or siblings. And although we suspected that that was probably the case, I never wanted to act on it because I didn’t (again, like my depression) want to label myself. But, there is nothing wrong with knowing you have a learning disability. It took learning and having that breath of fresh air to make me realize that’s why I was not the biggest fan of school. It created a cloud of grace to swarm around me, letting the scent calm my stressed, angry, and self-deprecating thoughts. Mental roadblocks are very common like dyslexia, ADD, and ADHD. They are fun to joke around with because it is so fascinating how your mind can manipulate the world in such a different way, but at some point, we should be a little careful when our jokes become making fun because it can be hard to deal with on occasion. One fascinating feature that comes with dyslexia is seeing things backward or flipping numbers and letters. When I worked at a coffee shop, I would be on the register and would constantly flip the total and just pause, refocus, and then apologize while saying the actual price. On one occasion, I was having a lady pay something like $503 for her coffee. We both took a moment and looked at each other and laughed. If I know I will have to read out loud at different outings, it will take everything in my power to push myself out the door, still to this day. After all of highschool and taking some French in college, I still primarily only know how to introduce myself and ask how someone is doing. In a pinch, I am sure I would remember more, but most people become pretty close to fluent with that amount of learning. And the examples could continue, but I will try to cut down my storytelling…
It Doesn’t Define Me
Although others have described mental situations as a disability, I disagree. It can be easy to let our brains accept the wiring we have and let our work and abilities suffer. But instead, we should take our learning curves and push ourselves harder and not let it become an excuse in our daily lives. We can’t let it become a handicap. We may not learn the same or maybe even function the same as everyone else, but it also doesn’t help us to let it decide how we do life. And for those who are around someone who might have dyslexia or another form of a learning process, it can be hard to admit it and own up to the fact that learning and living don’t look the same as it does for everyone else. So maybe take that into account, create an environment that won’t make them feel different (because then it just makes you want to crawl in a hole) but also don’t be against them and continually point it out or make fun (unless they join in and it is very evident that no feelings are compromised).
Crazy Discoveries
It’s so funny how someone can live so much of their life and one day piece things together and suddenly have a bit of clarity. There are a lot of online tests that you can take and research that you could use to help self-diagnose if it is something you’ve been thinking about. I was skeptical at first because there are so many resources out there that you could pretty much talk yourself into finding evidence for anything, but this was a little too close to home for me to feel like I was talking myself into it. Now I can’t speak for ADD or ADHD, but dyslexia can be hard to live with and a challenge to do basic things adults should be able to do and know. It can, at times, be embarrassing, but you are who you are. All we can do is honestly try our best, work hard in the areas we know we are weak in and don’t take people's comments too seriously. It is by definition a disorder, buuttt I don’t like to categorize it like that because then it feels as if something is wrong with me. Instead, I like to not dwell on it too hard, and use it as a way to give myself grace, and as an extra stepping stone to help me put my best foot forward toward each stage in my life.
If you know you have dyslexia, I’m sorry, I know it can be challenging at times, but it can also be a great way to humble yourself and laugh knowing we aren't all perfect! And if you are out of school reading this… well done! We made it through the hard part! I hope this helped you feel either a little more understood if you are like me or it helped you see what goes on inside the head of someone who is accompanied by dyslexia; It’s a crazy world in there. I hope you had a great weekend! And like always, feel free to subscribe, share with someone, follow along on Instagram (@theallie.way), and let me know if you can relate! Thanks for reading Allie-cats!
Dru Allie
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