Can You See Me...

Chapter 1 

After she walked out of her co-workers office, she went and slumped into her chair at her own desk. She took a heavy sigh then began looking over her computer at the project that they needed to go over that afternoon. She stared at the letters forming words on the screen before her. She wasn’t sure how her question to her co-worker was perceived, but she just felt like she needed to ask it. She always wished that people would take notice and check in with her if they noticed that her mood had shifted. So she guessed, the best she could do was be that person for others. He probably didn’t even think anything of it, although he gave a far more vulnerable answer than she had anticipated. She felt deeply for him, yet was left not knowing how to help further other than, hopefully, letting him know that she saw him. It was such a small gesture, but she wasn’t sure what else she herself could do. “Gosh why did she do that!” Her brain yelled at her. But, what was done was done. So she looked over her presentation. She always felt small in her world, like her life didn’t make a difference. She knew that she had a lot to offer and that her family loved her, but she always wished she could see where she made a difference. She struggled with occasionally feeling small or dispensable. She felt as if she hadn’t asked that question, it wouldn’t have mattered or the position she filled at work would function with simply anyone, or the smile she shared with the woman in the elevator was already forgotten, or that the night she let her friend talk for hours on her couch could have been with any of her other friends. To her, she was interchangeable. She couldn’t find what was special about her that made what she did - different. 

Chapter 2 

 The screen bore into her as she stared at it reading the same word over and over again. She sat up straight in her chair and reached her arms above her head releasing the pent up tension growing in her spine. She dropped her chin to her chest and let out a deep breath. A snack, she needed a snack. All problems were solved when snacks were involved. So, she stood, looked at her computer one more time then let out a noise of irritation and turned to walk to the kitchen. A few hallways and doors later she was standing in the kitchen with her face deep into the refrigerator hoping someone left something good in there that was unclaimed. It was a risky game she played, but she always forgot to pack snacks. She heard people's voices quickly approaching. She sunk deeper into the fridge hoping that she was hidden even though she knew her thought was unrealistic. The voices grew louder and she was able to put together the words that were being said, she thought she recognized at least one of the guys coming towards her.   

“I think I am going to sign up for therapy. The company still offers that right?” One man said to the other. 

“Yeah, I believe so. Why, what’s going on man?” The other asked. 

“Oh it’s nothing, just some things. I think it would be helpful to hash it out. One of our co-works had said she noticed I was acting differently and asked if I was good. I didn’t realize someone was paying attention, let alone cared enough to check in. Meant a lot and made me realize I should probably do something.” The first voice she heard was … not just any voice… her co-worker, the one she had spoken to earlier that morning.

“Dang man sorry you're going through it. I think I was talking with someone else who said they used it if you want me to ask them again?” The other voice spoke. At this point both voices were right outside the kitchen and she was feeling a little strange overhearing a conversation that she apparently played a part in. As quietly as she could, she closed the door of the fridge, without a snack in hand, and tiptoed out of the room through the only other entrance into the tiny kitchen. Her baby-toe made contact with the table right as she was about to reach the door and she had to put her handover her mouth to keep herself quiet as she bounced on one foot towards the door which she slipped out of right as the two turned into more than voices. 

Chapter 3

She had emailed back and forth with her co-worker since the accidental overhearing in the kitchen. She thought it would be best if she didn’t mention it, unless he brought anything up from their previous conversation. But, something resonated with her. She had thought that her actions and her presence was unnecessary. That her question had no more depth behind it after she left his office. But, she was very wrong. Being deep in her thoughts, she was ripped out of them by a gentle knock reverberating through the wood of her door. “Hi, you have a second?” And it was yet again her co-worker. Her mind lagged a moment when she came back into the present.

“Sure, what’s up?” She re-adjusted her computer on her desk as he took a seat before her.

“Are you available to go over the project?” He tilted his head.

“Oh… yes, right, the project. Sure!” She scooted her chair closer to her desk and began pulling up the files. “Hey, I just need to say thank you for checking in. Meant a lot that you noticed and cared enough to reach out. Most don’t do that.” He said looking earnest as he tapped his knuckles on her desk twice. She looked at him and melted into a smile. After all that happened today she started to have a change of thought. She began to see that she might be able to have an impact where maybe others wouldn’t. “Anyone would have done that.”

“No, not really.” His voice went an octave higher as he looked at her genuinely. 

“Hm…” She looked down at her computer, the wheels turning in her head. “Well, anytime.” She looked back up at him. 

“Thanks. Now about the project.” He began going on about a few tweaks they should make and what not, but her brain was so far off topic she barely saw his mouth moving. That was the first time she felt as though she wasn’t simply someone filling in a space. That it was - who she was that made a difference. Sure someone else could fill her position in the office, but they would have different things to offer. And yeah, someone might have noticed he was having a hard time, but would they have cared? Maybe she was the only one to share a smile with the lady on the elevator that day. And maybe her friend, she spoke with on the couch, could have gone to a different friend, but would she have had the same safe space to feel as comfortable as she did or would she have gotten the same advice? She offered so much more than she gave herself credit for, and she began to see she was not obsolete. She affected others without even realizing it. People saw her, whether she believed it or not. 

Chapter 4 

It is common to sometimes feel like our life is inconsequential or no more important than any other person who could step in and fill our role. But, the truth is that we are invaluable, and what we do, say, and how we act affects others. We can think that we are going under the radar or that someone might be able to do something better, and sure maybe they could, but that doesn’t discredit what we have to offer or the fact that we are seen and how we are perceived whether we realize it or even if we like it or not. Our life holds so much more weight than we allow ourselves to believe. Our ideas, our words, and our relationships hold meaning and power. Sometimes it takes us forgetting about thinking of ourselves and observing others to notice how much we make a difference. Would it be easier to have a light go off anytime our lives mattered to someone else? Sure, but then the electric bill would be far more than we could afford. 

If you missed last week's post, this one might make a little more sense if you went back and read it. It can be easy to be caught up in our own thoughts and to believe the useless lies that it gets fed. But, it takes wisdom and courage to look beyond ourselves and see how each and everyone of us are necessary to someone. Just a thought that has been swarming my mind these past few weeks. Hopefully, this was able to encourage one of you. Enjoy the weekend, and I hope that you had a great week! As always, follow on Instagram, share this with someone, leave a comment (I love reading them), and don’t forget to subscribe, to never miss a post. Thanks for reading Allie-Cats!

• Dru Allie