Fine Line...

Chapter 1

Then

She sat in front of her closet mirror staring at herself wondering what she was going to look like when she was older and who she was going to be. Was she going to finally be the person she wished she’d be or the one others wanted? But, no matter how many questions she asked, how many tears fell, or how many pep talks were given…her reflection remained silent. “Give me a hint!” She would yell to the void of her empty room, the mirror only echoed her exclamation back. She thought she had an idea of who she was at that moment. She’d dance around unfazed by those around her. Thinking the jokes made in her direction made her popular because they were made by her friends, people she wanted to notice her. But, after a second look over the material, she began to notice a pattern. It evolved slowly and subtly. But, now and then she would feel the sting, but her childhood sass was her arrow in this unidentified fight. Maybe the jokes were deserved, maybe she needed to change. She never showed the marks and bruises that were forming underneath her smile. Every criticism, joke, annoyed comment, or question of why she did something broke her down. She morphed subtly so the comments wouldn’t apply any longer. Years changed, but conversations with her mirror mirrored those of years past. The comments of others never vaporized, they grew. Only now the bruises began to hurt. She began to question everything she did and make note of the comments or jokes whispered in her direction. Those comments began to remold her personality and break down her walls. But, the tide would shift and the bruises would take on the form of scars… or would they? 

Chapter 2

Today

She emerged into a room full of people. They were all gathered together joking and laughing. She walked up to a group of familiar faces. A few smiles felt forced, but the majority were genuine. She broke through the huddle with a warm welcome. After years of experiencing being the butt of most jokes, even said through what they thought was harmless laughter, she had built up a tolerance. It was also common that she would dish it back, but on occasion, there were some jokes that took on a far more personal form. Those left her masking her pain with a hollow smile and typically a joke back that came out with a bite of its own. One of the guys standing among them looked over at her. She braced herself for impact. 

“Get lost on your way here?” He nodded his head in a greeting toward her. 

“I could hear your laugh from the freeway, how would you think I could get lost?” She retorted. 

“Well wish you would have, it was a lot more peaceful without you.” Humor glimmered in his eye and the words melted through the air. It was supposed to be harmless banter, but the words froze as they made impact with her chest. It stung for a second then they melted once again.

“Nothing is ever peaceful when you're around.” An appeasing smile took over her slightly tilted face but didn’t quite reach the eyes. This wasn’t a new realm of banter, this was a recurring one. And she admitted it was too easy to pass up. She was never referred to as the sweet one. She wanted to always fit in, and be the person people expected of her. But the joke began to twist her thoughts causing her to second guess whether she was wanted there or not. Of course, if she said that out loud she’d be crazy. So, she laughed it off. She always laughed it off. 

Chapter 3 

She went to the counter to make her lunch. The company she worked for supplied different things for their employees so they didn’t need to bring lunch in every day, unlike her brother's office. As she pulled items out of the fridge she felt eyes watching her. She turned. “Yess?” Eyebrows raised, she looked at another friend who sat closest to her. 

“The way you're grabbing things is just amusing to me, you never bend your knees.” She said as a quick chuckle escaped from her lips. 

“It’s just easier, it’s a long way down to constantly bend to grab something.” Her shoulders bounced and she turned back to her patiently waiting dismembered sandwich. She went to grab one last thing from the ice chest but felt the nerves rise through her and as she bent over with her legs straight, her typical way, her knees self-consciously bent ever so slightly. 

“Girl, whoever taught you how to make a sandwich?” Her co-worker who welcomed her and was apparently having a hard time keeping his mouth shut peered over her shoulder. “Sauce, meat, cheese, extra toppings, then mooorreee sauce, and then bread. It’s a common equation.” He looked at her with an expression she could only describe as, “Duhh”. She took a deep breath. 

“Well I've never been very good with math and I prefer it this way.” She stacked her ingredients onto the bread feeling the judgment deep in her stomach that sat expectantly. 

“Well, you're doing it wrongg.” She guessed that his drawing out his words was his attempt at his very serious opinion to sound more like a joke. It didn’t work. All it did was bring up memories of her brother constantly telling her she didn’t do things “the right way” causing her to try and change to be correct and less noticeable. Her self-consciousness grew again like the lettuce that she now was trying to place on her sandwich in the “correct order”.  

Chapter 4

She sat on her couch as a few friends and her brother roamed around her kitchen while she decided on a movie after a long day of work. She scrolled, but the never-ending list of movies multiplied like a large bowl of pasta. Once she thought she was near the end more would populate out of thin air. 

“No, don’t choose that one. That one is boring.” Her brother rolled over the back of the couch plopping down next to her. 

“This is a great movie.” She fired back.

“No, this is a great movie.” He acquired the remote and switched movies.

“Mine is just as good as this one, only the other has a better plot, great characters, and action, unlike this one.” She had a “fight me” tone knitted into her words. 

“Your opinion is irrelevant.” He selected his movie as the other friends filed in. 

She sat there very aware of how the couch felt engulfing her, how the warmth of her brother's shoulder burned hers, how the pillow on her lap suddenly felt like a shield, and her mind worked on not letting the words that zapped her from her comfort soak in. Because once it did it would open the file of past comments of his and her other childhood friends who made her think that she had nothing important to say or her thoughts never carried enough weight. Causing her now to constantly apologize for being inconvenient, wasting others' time, being a burden, speaking more than her allotted time, and wanting others to be interested in things that grasped hold of her. But, that file always laid a little ajar in her file room. Although she was slowly learning to ignore it because she was more than that file made her feel. 

Chapter 5

We hear the word “bully” and associate it with our interpretation. It is a hard word that takes on many forms. Little do we know how little comments and words can change how others grow and develop. People say actions speak louder than words and where that is true, words hold quite a punch that typically creates just as many if not more scars than action can. To run to the end of the scale, both can end lives. One is harder to hide while the other typically never sees the light of day. None of the people in this story meant their words to be harmful in their conversations, but once something is repeated enough it can start to lose the momentum of a harmless joke, comment, or suggestion. We don’t want to become overly sensitive and not be able to differentiate between a joke and our feelings. But, there is a fine line between knowing when to take a joke and when to walk away.

People can be judgy and offensive, and it can hurt when people repeatedly joke around on our behalf. We have the ability to speak out for ourselves and we should. To not sit in the shadows, but be confident in ourselves. However, we need to remember to look in the mirror, even if we feel like a victim, because our words hold just as much power. Have a beautiful weekend and hope this week was amazing! Remember to subscribe to get each new blog right to your inbox, comment and let me know what you thought of this post, follow on Instagram, and share The Allie-Way with someone. Thanks for reading Allie-Cats!

• Dru Allie