Living with expectations. A common problem I am pretty sure we all struggle with and a fun thing that I am constantly working on. Expectations are not always bad, but they are not overly helpful either… What I mean by “working on” is that expectations are something I am trying to control. We all have expectations, but it is when those expectations begin to control and take over our thoughts that it begins to head in the direction of danger. Expectations of yourself, expectations for others, life expectations, relationship expectations, or even circumstance expectations are all forms that we might not realize we are constantly calculating in our heads. Have you ever heard someone say, “expect disappointment so you won’t be disappointed” or “expect to fail so you won’t get hurt?” Or how many times have you had someone say to you, “I expected you to be there”, “I expect excellence”, or “my expectations are very high?” The word “expect” or “expectation” is used without us even releasing it.
Wishful thinking
The younger me was one of the many who expected without saying so. I constantly put expectations on myself and others around me that were either impossible to live up to or not verbally communicated. An example being, one year my sister surprised us by coming home from college for thanksgiving. I woke up to a scream from my mom and I scrambled out of bed opening my door to find my sister bouncing up our stairs. In shock, I shut the door in her face and climbed back into bed. But, having the toxic trait of expecting too much from people, especially when I don’t communicate it, I would open my door for special occasions and tell myself I would see her head show up. Every time before this I would be disappointed, but because of that expectation, I wasn’t even excited that she was there. I had just expected it. Now for reference, there are two types of expectations, the kind where it should be common sense and the kind that I was just talking about, unrealistic. I can hopefully expect someone to use deodorant…common sense. Or I can expect to know how to surf perfectly without practicing…unrealistic. Me constantly building fantasies of expectations for myself and what I wanted others to do for me were unrealistic and I constantly placed myself in positions to be overwhelmed with disappointment. Causing me to spend too many brain cells trying to rectify the situation that could have been avoided if I let myself enjoy the surprise that one time and not expect anything more. We as humans tend to expect more than what is given. We aren’t able to properly communicate what it is we would like and instead leave it to a guessing game where no one wins.
Control
In a world where every second thought is an expectation, it is our job to hone in on those thoughts. We can sort out which ones cause unnecessary inner turmoil, that may be causing judgmental thoughts, and learn how to verbalize them, releasing the power that they hold. We can also learn to and practice how to take each season, experience, opposite personalities, or circumstances with grace and soften our typical response, releasing control. In friendships, relationships, and family matters, dropping expectations that we tend to hold so tightly can allow any situation the space to breathe. If each party is constantly expecting something of the other no one wins. Tension grows leaving no one happy and nothing resolved. We need to look at life and let go. I feel that control and expectation can go hand in hand. If I expect to fail, I will be able to control my feelings. If I expect you to be there, I can control what happens next. However, it’s not always the case.
Communication
Expectations can also go hand in hand with respect and loyalty. If someone says they are going to be there or do something, I can expect them to carry out their word. But, with that comes communication. Expectation without communication causes unnecessary discomfort between us and anyone else. If we expect things from people, we need to have that moment to verbally share those thoughts. We have no room for frustration and disappointment when the other person or people are not let into our thoughts. If I expect someone to clean the house without asking and become upset at them for not, how would that be fair? Ultimately it comes down to, without expectation there is no room for disappointment. Every year on my birthday I would expect the most, regardless of how great the day was, and I would always go to bed disappointed. Not because I didn’t enjoy the day or feel loved enough. It was simply because my expectations ruled my reality. This year, on my birthday, I purposely reminded myself to let go and to just enjoy the day, that whatever happened would happen. And it was so nice feeling content.
Let Go
Letting go and taking life one step at a time can save so much time and energy. Building cities in our heads of different expectancies can be tiring and frustrating. Why set ourselves up for disappointment when we can stop trying to control situations or people and move forward carefree? Or if that isn’t an option, try switching the word expect out with one that releases the pressure that the other way can cause. I would like, I hope, I’m excited for, I dream of, I pray for, or I’m content. To expect too much can often leave us feeling worked up and overwhelmed.
Expectation is a bit of an overwhelming topic. There are so many avenues and opinions it’s hard to stay on one path. I hope you had a fantastic week and enjoy the weekend. Don’t forget to share the blog with someone and put your email down to subscribe. If you aren't already I would suggest following along on Instagram to keep up to date with The Allie-Way (@Theallie.way). Thanks for reading Allie-Cats!
Dru Allie
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