Chapter 1
She had started her new job over a month ago and she was excelling. She had become acquainted with her new co-workers. She was fitting in, but didn’t feel like she fully belonged yet. She mostly spent time with two in particular, the one who trained her and his seemingly best friend. Around the office, they all call them “the work duo” mostly because they are the ones who spend the most time together in the office. Not to say that others didn’t each have their in-office friendships, but they were the peanut butter and jelly sandwich in that office picnic. Lucky for her, she was the carrot sticks on the side; a part of their group just teetering on the sidelines of being included, but not quite qualified for the third wheel title. People always assumed she’d be with them, but never questioned when they weren’t with her. She could understand. She was still new, but she couldn’t help but wonder if this feeling would stick around like a bad cold like it seemed to have done at her old job. Again, the environment at her past stomping ground wasn’t a bad one, but one that she never felt like she was always fully plugged into. She participated in social activities but questioned if she was adding to them. She had her work buddies, but often felt like she missed a page, a mark, a conversation, or something that left her feeling on the outskirts of everything even though she was amidst them. She would simply shrug it off because well… what else was she to do? But, this job would be different. She’d find her rhythm and be amongst them in no time…right? At least that’s what she was praying for. After what felt like the longest day of her life where every conversation she tried to engage in left her knowing she wouldn’t enjoy the post-work hang out, she was eager to get home so she could rest from the busy work and shallow social day.
Chapter 2
The drive home was slow. Full of cars shifting every so often like a little kid wearing their mother's shoes. Her radio played poems to a soft tune. She hummed along as the gentle hand of the empty car carried her the short distance home. Her phone vibrated and a voice interrupted the music to read the incoming text.
“From mom…” the car read out in its mechanical-sounding tone, “making dinner tonight, want to come over?” She wrestled with her thoughts. She loved going over to her parent's house, but she was also thinking of texting her friend if she wanted to go out and if not, a night in with a good book never disappointed her. She didn’t respond until she pulled into her lot at her apartment. The phone illuminated her face in the dark car. It was nearing fall so the crisp evening air spoke softly coaxing the sun down from the sky. She texted her friend. “Hey, plans tonight?” No response. She headed inside hiking the four flights of stairs to her door. Her neighbor stood out in the hall as she approached.
“Hey! Headed in or out?” She looked at him as she pulled out her key.
“In, the wife is making lasagna. We are having a movie night with the kids.” He unlocked his door at about the same time she did.
“Wow, sounds like a fun night, if you keep the volume up maybe I’ll live vicariously through you guys.” She said as humor laced her tone and her hand shot up in a wave. “Enjoy movie night.”
“Thanks!” He said vanishing through his door. She checked her phone again. Nothing, so she texted again. “Hey, you're probably busy, but let's try and get together soon!”
She then sent a text to another friend asking the same thing. They, however, respond in minutes. “Hey so sorry, but got invited out by a few people from work, let’s hang out soon, ok?”
She huffed out some air doubting that would happen anytime soon. That was the third time she had turned her down this month, but she was busy and that wasn’t her fault. So she texted her mom.
Chapter 3
Her: “Hey sorry, just got home from work. Whatcha making?”
Mom: “Was thinking pasta. Feels like a good night for Italian. Oh, we also invited over some friends, was thinking maybe a game night.”
Hmm, her, her mom and dad, and their friends. That meant fifth wheeling. Ugh. Night in it is!
Her: “Oh fun. I’ll pass tonight, but you guys have fun! Say hi to dad for me.”
Mom: “OK, love you, my love.”
Her phone buzzed again, this time it was the first friend she texted. “Hey so sorry, we are having date night tonight, but yes let’s do something soon!”
Another friend with a built-in buddy. She stood there defeated for a split second allowing the quiet to consume her then pushed it away and reacquainted herself with her fridge, TV, and a better attitude. Her show pixelated the fictional story along and her leftover pizza box that she had for dinner lay immobile on the coffee table while a golden lamp in the corner warmed the room. She lay there curled up, weighed down by a knit blanket, and caressed by the arm of her couch. The TV talked through the silence with the occasional little voices of the neighbors singing along to Tangled penetrating through her walls. It made her smile softly to herself. Then something would make her laugh, feel exacerbated, or a scene called for commentary and she would talk with the expectation of a response only to look around and be reminded of the empty space. She was no stranger to talking to her furniture or the characters of books and on-screen personalities. And if she needed a face, her mirror was always reliable. Sometimes that would make her feel embarrassed, but she would remind herself that everyone did it. But, that didn’t change the fact that anytime she would break through the warm burrito shell her blanket made to add punctuation to her commentary with her arms or a shake from her head, she would hunker back into the pillows and pause, reminding herself that she wouldn’t always feel that hollow feeling of being alone. “Oh don’t look at me like that.” She said as she reached across and took hostage the pillow that sat across from her right after she finished yelling at the TV “But you're the one who broke up with her!” Waving one arm at the characters with an impatient emphasis.
Chapter 4
After dragging herself off the couch and meticulously applying her skincare, she dove into her beds expecting arms; an embrace that she waited for, the only time she felt held all day. And she was grateful for it, showing her gratitude with an exhale inviting her entire body to melt into the mattress. Her eyes fluttered closed, transitioning her into Saturday. To which she woke up to the bright morning sun dancing through her curtains. She laid a reverse Uno card on the night before and got ready for the day. She pulled on her leggings and sports bra excited to take on the day with a run. She thought about reaching out to someone hoping they would want to join, but she knew the outcome. She enjoyed being alone but hated feeling alone which always came into play when she wanted to leave the house. To go on runs, to go out to eat, to spend time in a park, or even to simply go out and watch a movie. She loved her life and the people who decorated it with sprinkles of color and she knew that they each had their worlds that they had to keep up with. She had people, but still among them, she felt lonely. But, this was a season. One that she would grow and learn to rely on herself. And there is something special to that. Yes, she struggled, but she was learning to make the best of each day and opportunity.
It is easy to feel lonely even surrounded by a crowd. And oftentimes that is when we feel the loneliest. But, it is comforting to know that that season is not forever. Sure, we can’t predict how long we’ll be there, but God does. Occasionally we will find ourselves in these situations feeling lonely forgetting that God is walking beside us waiting for us to reach out to Him. When we think we are alone, we are never actually alone. In moments of solitude, we can often learn and grow the most and that is exciting. There is never a moment in life where we are not progressing or when life is tormenting us for no reason. There is always something to gain. Feeling alone is a great way to learn to rely on God and push ourselves. If you feel forgotten or left behind, it simply isn’t your time yet. Expect great things, but learn to find the beautiful moments now in the solitude. Enjoy your weekend. Like always, follow on Instagram, share this with others, subscribe, and leave a comment with your thoughts. Thanks for reading Allie-Cats!
Dru Allie
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