Ok, let's dive right into it. I wanted to start my blog because of one topic that has snowballed me into wanting to write more. The topic to cause all topics is a vulnerable one and I am starting this thing by getting really deep and personal with you all. This is an extremely relevant and common issue many people these days struggle with and I would like to address it from my point of view. I am talking about depression and anxiety, something that I have struggled with for as long as I can remember and has (I don't know if this is the right word for it but it fits) unfortunately shaped me and kind of became an odd companion of mine. I mean, I guess one could say we kind of grew up together.
Let's start with my story.
Ok well, let us roll back to when I remember hosting these fine guests... I believe I was about 13 or 14, although, I'm honestly not sure. I think I've always kind of subconsciously struggled with them but I didn't know what it was. Early depression can show itself in many different ways early on in a child's life. It can take forms in anger or feeling as if everyone you know is against you; both of which I struggled heavily with. I was such an angry child that my sister would tell me it was constantly like walking on eggshells around me and I would throw my pillows all around my room and punch the ground trying to inflict pain because I just needed to let my anger out. I even broke the tail off a ceramic dolphin I had painted in a moment of anger and was so sad after (clearly it affected me because it's an incident I remember the most ). As I got older I thought something was honestly wrong with me. I couldn't have a conversation with my mom because we would both walk away in tears, I pushed my sister away because I didn't like her boyfriend at the time (who is now my brother-in-law, and we’re cool now), I would shove my hands into my pockets and just dig my nails into my legs and claw myself because I didn't know how to handle my emotions. I would get anxiety attacks (luckily those didn't start out too bad, they have actually gotten worse as the years have gone on).
Now that I'm older and know what my emotions are derived from, it makes me have a little bit of grace toward myself. However, when it comes to my emotions and my depression, it's as if it comes on like I suddenly ran headfirst into a wall and then am either taken over by my depression or the complete opposite where I hit the wall and I am back to myself. One day I'll be fine and able to control the way I feel then the next I'll have an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. All it takes is a word, an action, a look that can overwhelm my feelings and send me off. Then, give it a week or maybe a month or so and I can wake up and work through my emotions as if I were a normal human again. I used to feel overwhelmed and needed to verbally process otherwise I would explode at random occasions, but have since learned to control my feelings to be able to process them internally. I did see a counselor for a minute, however, I found that, for me, this particular counselor (as kind as she was) helped me to realize that I didn't want someone to validate the way I felt, I wanted to help me talk through how I felt. Would I try therapy again? Oh most definitely, but for right now, I can handle talking myself through what I am feeling. I will say though, I have experienced a lot of instances where some of the people closest to me have quickly exited my life leaving me stranded and alone, which has caused it to be hard for me to trust people. Having people not be able to understand where I am coming from has also caused it to be hard for me to let people in, which has been a reason in my past as to why I didn't go sooner. I don't think I could stress enough how important it is for anyone to unburden their emotions and let themselves have a moment to breathe without feeling like someone is sitting on their chest.
Real talk
Depression and anxiety can be hereditary or brought on by a traumatic event that took place during your life and let me tell you, it is crazy how many people are dealing with the same issues of depression and anxiety. It's easy to be like, "yeah yeah, people understand and deal with the same feelings", but no, actually. I would talk to people or overhear different conversations and just be overwhelmed with how common these are diagnosed. And with that I want to say this straight up, it's ok to say that you understand the weight of these heavy words that people seem to hear and then look at you with pity. I also understand that to say it out loud you are making that a part of your identity. I struggled with this for years, that feeling of knowing I was struggling but not wanting to put a label on it because it made it feel like I was speaking it over myself and if I didn't say it I was just sad for a few days and that's all. But no, like everyone always says, admitting it is the first step and not feeling ashamed is so important because there is absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of! It's your story that you need to understand, accept, and try your best to climb out of that deep hole that I know feels too steep to climb. A great book that helped me feel less alone is, "My Name Is Hope'' by John Mark Comer. He uses the Bible as a source and shows how depression and anxiety isn't this new thing, he shows examples that people in Jesus's time struggled too, which helped me get some perspective. I have also tried other things to help such as essential oils, books, podcasts, prayer (a huge one), making sure I get plenty of vitamin D (when I was in school I would take vitamin D supplements because there is a type of depression known as seasonal depression), making exercise a main part of my routine, eating healthy, and trying to recognize the things that I knew were triggers for me (ie. coffee). In saying all this, find what works for you. For me, I didn't want to be reliant on medication but in saying that, do what works for you!! God didn't create us to suffer and although it seems in the cards now there is such a bigger path ahead and that is such an encouragement that helps to keep me going! I know that depression and anxiety can sort of take on a part of your identity and it can be oddly hard to try and get better because it has defined you for so long, but it is so worth trying, I remind myself that every day. I can say confidently that depression and anxiety sucks and is not easy. I think that my willpower and self-control has honestly gotten stronger from the thoughts and feelings that I have felt through the years and I am so grateful for it! It is not easy waking up feeling as if you don't want to exist in the world as if you're a burden and a waste of space and you feel empty, but you were put on this earth for a reason and that reason whether you know it or not is the perfect encouragement to begin each new day! You are not alone!
For those who might not understand first-hand
Talking to my sister, I find it so completely fascinating learning how her brain works and that she doesn't have this emotional weight constantly living in the back of her mind; I couldn't quite understand! And as hard as it was for me to not understand her side, I am quite sure that for others it's hard to comprehend another who struggles with what some might consider "sadness" on a much deeper level. And although it might look or sound like depression is sadness, it goes so much further beyond that. Someone could struggle because (as I said earlier) they had an emotional trauma or it was hereditary and passed down, or it could be that their body doesn't produce enough Neurotransmitters (serotonin) which is the chemical that causes the body to essentially be happy, it's not something that can be turned on and off, but something that makes you want to have the right people around to support you. Let me tell you, it's a feeling that makes you need someone who can help lift you up, not make you feel like you're alone in a pit. I heard a sermon "Are you Ok?: The Suicide Deception" by Rich Wilkerson Jr. that described depression and anxiety by saying, "Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time, its the fear of failure but no urge to be productive, it's wanting friends but hate socializing, it's wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely, it's feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzing numb." I remember listening to that and feeling this urge to cry. Depression and anxiety, as hard as we might try, is so hard to put into words, it's so hard to explain the emotions that, at least I feel, because it's true, they contradict each other. Living in a world that is shaded by these two words can feel like you're being suffocated yet needing to act like the world is perfect. You don't want to talk about it because of fear of judgment, you need to talk to someone, but who can you talk to when it's so hard to relate to others, you feel constantly like your a gray cloud that hovers over anyone around you, self-hatred strikes and all you want is to disappear. That is such a huge reason for suicides and it is so sad. Taking one's life doesn't answer anything. Yes, it takes you away from a short-term problem, but it limits the long life that God had pre-planned for you. And although you might feel alone or like you don't actually matter, there is always someone who is left to mourn the life that you gave up.
The hard truth
Like it or not depression and anxiety takes over the lives of millions. It is important to be able to understand those who are struggling and it is our job to build a place where people won't feel ashamed, aren't afraid to seek help, to have people to push them to know that it isn’t God’s desire for people to feel that way but it is Him that will take it away, it is not our power but it is through Christ. Social media can lead people, like myself, into deep dark holes that it is hard to escape from, making your life seem inferior. It is not true, your life is important, and just because your life might not be where someone else's is doesn't make it less valuable. You impact people even if it doesn't feel like it. You have a future even if you can't see it. Life may be hard right now and it may feel as if people are judging you and you need to hide what you feel, that maybe denying it will make it go away until one day you can't handle the pressure anymore, but let me tell you, you do not need to feel ashamed! It is likely that the person you are afraid to be vulnerable with is feeling the same way. If you are struggling, please find help! These words are not something to take lightly, these are powerful emotions and you deserve to try your best at the life that God designed for you!
That was long, but it is a message that is so important to me! Every emotion I feel I can't help but think of those who may be struggling worse than I am and if I can encourage, help, do anything for anyone then I need to do so. I hope this was able to touch you in some kind of way, looking forward to you Allie-cat's reading the next one!
- Dru Allie
(This is the link to the message I referred to if you wanted to watch it yourself)
Oh my! Such amazing words. Youre such a blessing. Thank you for your honesty. May God use you wildly!!