Chapter 1
Books, chapters, pages, and words. They make a complete whole. You can have pages, but without words, nothing can come after except a vast white blank begging for life. In translation, with each little moment, our story starts to unfold. Occasionally, with some chapters or pages, we become either too eager and try to skip ahead or we try and reread to hold on to those stories that we can never unread from our minds. That is how she felt as she turned the page and started on this new chapter. She finally understood why everyone always used that expression about life's journeys. She couldn’t lie, it was a perfect analogy. Here she was two days after walking out of her last day at her old job waking up and sliding into a new skirt that she bought yesterday to welcome her first day at this brand new job. Life felt like it was happening too fast. She didn’t leave her old job because she was unhappy, or it wasn’t a good work environment, and no, she wasn’t let go… she was simply ready to try something new and explore her boundaries. This new job was daunting, but exciting. It came with new responsibilities, pay, hours, and co-workers. That thought made her smooth out the skirt that draped over her hips like a black waterfall made of satin in hopes of making a good first impression. It had been a minute since she had a first day somewhere and hostility in a workplace was not something that she wanted to step into. Her hair hung straight waiting for a command. She piled it into a bun on her head only to walk past another mirror and switch it to a braid that claimed her shoulder. She moved through six mirrors and eight different hairstyles before she marched out her door with it hanging naturally down her back in its original starting position. She clutched her coffee mug (although filled with tea), her phone, keys, and purse all in one hand and shut the door with the other. Her nerves ate at her causing her to feel nauseous and second-guess everything.
Chapter 2
Her heart felt like it was beating to a whole new rhythm, one that went double time. She felt out of breath so she began taking slow breaths in through her nose and out through her mouth feeling shaky as they exited. She was never one for change, but the older she got the more she learned that a life that doesn’t evolve and grow leaves no room for beauty and excitement. And change was inevitable. But, all the motivational quotes that helped her decision to walk into her old boss' office and give her two weeks weren’t cutting it as her knuckles took on the color white and her lip began to feel raw as her top teeth gnawed on it with furrowed eyebrows. Her mind was like a race track. Thoughts circling at record speed. In hindsight, when she originally found this new job, that was the only change that she had accounted for. She wasn't prepared for one of her closest friends to decide to move to a different state and for her other closest friend to announce that she and her husband were going to have a baby. Her life suddenly felt like it was staring down at a blank chapter waiting to fall hoping that the words were written fast enough to catch her. She parked and slipped out of the car with all her things and headed for the door remembering a video she watched saying to walk in with your head held high and shoulders back creating the illusion of confidence. And whether fake or not, she was going to show she was confident. (For those who are interested…it was most definitely fake.) She approached the reception desk feeling the beads of sweat trail down her back pooling at the waistband of her skirt.
“Hi, excuse me… I’m looking for your boss' office.” She flashes a smile while hiding her shaking hands.
The receptionist looked up, quickly smiled, and then pointed behind her to a bunch of small offices lining a large room full of cubicles. “Last one on the right.”
“Great, thank you!” She shook out her hands and walked. Approaching the door, she gave it a gentle knock.
“Come in.” A commanding voice leaked through the door. She pushed it open and peered in. Her new boss was commanding, terrifying, and gorgeous while being a complete genius in stilettos…she was truly inspiring.
“Hi, yes, today is my first day.” She internally kicked herself because she felt she had tripped over her simple and rehearsed opener and could only present her discarded jumbled scraps.
“Oh, that’s right, welcome. I have a few more things for you to sign, then I’ll have my assistant show you to your desk and have someone come over to help walk you through our training.” She pulled out a large file. Following her lead, she took a seat in front of the powerful-looking woman.
Chapter 3
All morning she had been feeling the fears of the unknown interlace with the air around her, but nothing compared to the regret, concern, and confusion that would come with trying to learn her new job. She sat there staring at her computer and the files that were laid out before her with a blank expression while her new co-worker explained. She thought she knew what she was getting into when she applied and when she interviewed, but man, there is just something about mental overload that makes the gears take on a clunking rhythm. Her thoughts played reruns of her previous job. How she was able to complete her tasks mindlessly. She would think of the good times and feel her emotions start to gather like a storm cloud. That’s when she would remind herself that she was only remembering the highlights and that the mindless moments fueled her fire to experience something new.
“It’s a lot, I get it. But, it’ll start making more sense and you’ll be coming for my job in no time.” He said with a calming sense of humor. She thought maybe he could feel the anxiety diffusing out of her. She hoped her deodorant hugged onto her like she was the love of its life. She would even settle for close friends as long as it was doing its job.
“Yeah… I feel like I just threw away my perfectly broken-in shoes and am now stuck breaking in a new pair. I foresee many blisters in my future.” She lowered her head to her desk resting her forehead on a few open files, letting her arms go limp at her sides.
“Lucky for you we have a pretty great supply of band-aids at your disposal.” He opened his arms wide to show the abundance of employees meandering around the office working on their tasks.
She sat up, taking a page from one of the files with her, sticking to the shine caused by anxiety on her forehead. She shook her head in an attempt to remove it, but swiftly plucked it off with her hand realizing the intensity that it embraced her with.
“I think you should keep it, it’s a good look.” He dropped his arms and his mouth formed a line while his eyes wrinkled at the edges giving away that he was holding in a laugh.
“I’ll take that in for advisement.” She returned an amused but annoyed face.
Chapter 4
A few weeks later she was able to complete tasks with far fewer questions. The anxiety had subsided and the memories of the “good ole days” back at her old office made far fewer appearances. She was feeling more settled and confident that her decision to change was the right one. She still felt overwhelmed and the other stressors that came with change outside of her office occasionally kept her awake at night, but she felt that the new words being written in this chapter were leading her somewhere. The last chapter was a good one, but it was a filler for the next one that is bringing direction to the story. It was hard and she still didn’t feel out of the woods, but she felt her personality, that she didn’t know was fading, begin to be painted back into her picture. She still had struggles, but she knew that this change was good. In this area of her life, she was growing. She couldn’t stop time, go back to that one perfect moment, or skip ahead to where she finally felt comfortable and relaxed, but she could make the best of the minutes that approached her. Learning, growing, and writing new sentences for her story that fit for that moment in time.
Change is hard. But, change is inevitable. We can’t hide from it, decide against it, or push back from it. Quite often when we do, the more time and change feel as though it speeds up and forces us through it. Life doesn’t always need to look or feel bad to welcome something new. Sometimes we can decide that we are no longer feeling like we are growing and need to be placed in a bigger pot. But, uprooting can either make or break us. Do we allow the change to swallow us whole, do we allow it to push us and teach us until we start again, or do we try one thing and decide that we should try a different direction? Change is inevitable, yes, but our attitude and perspective on it is up to us. Change is never easy, but with time and patience, our lungs will remember how to breathe again. Lots of change is happening in my atmosphere so I thought I’d share some thoughts that I have been reminding myself of. If you needed to read this I hope it helped bring some peace to your mind. I hope you have a relaxing weekend. Don’t forget to subscribe, follow on Instagram, share this with someone, and let me know what you thought in the comments. Thanks for reading Allie-Cats.
Dru Allie
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