Unending Chatter ...

The room is quiet, no one is saying anything, there is an awkward silence that engulfs the room. Or is it awkward? Am I the only one sitting on the edge of my seat feeling uneasiness? Although the room I’m in is carrying the tune of a hum that plays in our ears when there is silence or the occasional sound of extra air leaving someone's mouth as they exhale or squeaking from a chair when someone switches positions, I’m hearing a loud conversation. But from where? No one is talking, yet there is noise everywhere. My mind brings up topic after topic trying to pull me to fill the silence. I speak, but am left with a feeling of embarrassment. So to ease the voice talking among the petite abode of my brain I allow it to settle to the tune of a song. Filling the once again silence with a bob of the head while I allow my brain workers a jam sesh. But, why can’t I just enjoy the sound of nothing? Everyone else seems to. Maybe for them, it’s peaceful; a calming vacation for their mind where they can sink into a single thought or maybe they can finally add a period to a couple of hours of noise and talk.

An Internal Battle

An overactive mind is a complex place. There is never a dull moment and finding a chance where the mind can rest is very rare. I have an overactive mind. I am constantly thinking, worrying, deciphering, observing, and fighting internally. It’s a head rush constantly, but for those who experience it… it’s part of the daily routine. This isn’t something I hear a lot of people talk about and it isn’t something I lead with either. I think it finally comes up after I’ve overshared a few too many things trying to fill the silence. What’s funny to me is, I am an introvert. And what most people think when they hear “introvert” is observers in the back, quiet, and keeping to themselves. But, as I am sure there are others, I am an introvert that appreciates talking. I like to be at the center of conversations because my mind works a mile a minute producing topics and thoughts and it becomes exhausting. My mind works overtime without me scheduling it and definitely without paying it extra. Because of this, I will leave any social setting (even if it’s with the people I’m most comfortable around) and think over everything I said. But, it doesn’t stop there. I’ll think about how my words were received, I’ll go over the body language of those I was with, I’ll think of things I should have said, I’ll dwell on the things I shouldn’t have said, I’ll construct a folder of things I heard someone talk about that was meaningful to them, and I’ll become concerned if I offended or annoyed anyone. This leads to a rollercoaster of emotions.

Never Satisfied

Particularly when I am alone is when the thoughts explode like fireworks, one after another, feeding on each other's rush. They mutate from fireworks to spiderwebs in the brain. Jumping and spreading until I am thinking of a hundred different things. I typically tend to dwell on the negative side of scenarios so when I find myself feeling sad, my world is covered with a shadow that feels all too permanent. When the depressive thoughts attack, all we can do is scream for a mind that doesn't turn into a shapeshifter. For those of us who experience overthinking, it can become exhausting. It can feel like there is someone kidnapped inside shoving thoughts at us begging to escape. The thoughts echo when the room is quiet and tease us when we are alone in the room. And if I align my thoughts to finally settle on an opinion and that thought is questioned, it turns into complete self-doubt. That causes the brain to constantly dwell on others' suggestions or opinions. It takes a lot to finally gather my thoughts to formulate an opinion. And I am not the only one. I think it’s pretty universal to feel alone and ready to escape our minds. It is so much more common than we think. So many of us experience pounding thoughts. And although we have no choice over which brain we are given, we can learn to appreciate it and find rest in the craziness.

Running From Our Mind

It can seem daunting and frustrating on most occasions. However, there can be a convenience to the noise. It can become a great attribute for conversation starters. Since our brains are constantly filling through thoughts, we can expound on one of them. But, being prepared to stand up to our other thoughts that might follow that are going to make us think we’ve caused vexation. And it can be a great resource to help us talk through different situations. There are many positives, but I don’t think it’s ever something that becomes fully normal. Although, it can be something that we learn to control rather than feeling controlled. After all, it is a battle with our minds; minds that never sleep. If you are one who doesn’t experience an overactive mind, it can probably be a struggle trying to understand all that our overactive minds go through. My sister, for example, is a simplistic thinker. Meaning, she has a thought and dwells on that one thing until she moves on to the next. She has no trouble being surrounded by silence. She prefers it. But, luckily for her, I am there to fill up all the silence! Being an overthinker can feel tiresome, frustrating, and lonely, but it’s the only mind we are given.

To Expound

Minds are machines, some are older models and some are new. Some have very fast WIFI causing everything to flood the screen at a rapid pace opening everything at once. And others work at their own pace. No mind is correct. It’s just a matter of learning the system and accepting the way it works. It’s realizing that not everyone's mind works the same way so we need to understand that thoughts, emotions, talking patterns, behaviors, and processing styles are all different. It seems like an obvious thing that we all think we do. But, from experiencing both ends, it becomes easy to forget. I lose myself in my thoughts. I have full conversations where I respond as if I were talking to another. I can talk myself into a spiral of insanity or depressive thoughts or I can encourage myself to continue and push. I become restless at long pauses when I am not alone, but I am never without conversation starters. I feel as though I am the only one, but it is unbelievable the number of others who would say the same thing. And it can be hard to understand those who analyze all of their conversations, recreating responses that should have been said instead of accepting that it’s already been said. It’s all a learning curve.

Minds are as ominous and mysterious as the ocean. Some parts are similar to others and some parts are too deep and hidden to explore. I know I can’t change how my brain processes and works, but I can learn how to work my thoughts and appreciate the mind that God made me. I hope you all had an amazing week and are prepared for a great weekend. Don’t forget to follow on Instagram, share the post, and subscribe. Thanks for reading Allie-Cats.

• Dru Allie