So long ago, in a blog far far away, was my first post Let's Start Personal…, I opened up about my journey with depression. Well, this is another part two. I like to write part two’s because so many things are intertwined, and life is constantly changing; allowing us and our thoughts to evolve. This leaves room for more explanations and experiences. So I wanted to expound on the ever-flowing journey of depression and anxiety. A lot can shift in a short period of time. So let’s walk it through.
Flash Back
If you would like to hear the full story, I would suggest going back and taking a look over it. However, let me briefly go over the highlights. For as long as I can remember I have carried depression and anxiety like a backpack, weighing me down. But with that, there have been waves of moments where either the bag becomes lighter or feels as if it has vanished altogether. I can’t explain what triggers the on/off switch, all I know is that the switch is significant. I am pretty open about my struggles with depression, and my previous post explaining my journey was from a perspective of being smack-dab in the middle of it. I felt like I was never going to escape, and that I would live in that miserable hole - forever. It was probably the worst I had seen it. But, with that in mind, I decided to be as proactive as I could. I started my blog and worked on how I viewed the world and myself, and I let go. Now, again, I can’t control when my depression comes and goes, but this time felt different than the others. It is amazing how freeing the world feels when that storm cloud evaporates. I’ll try and retrace my steps.
Investigating
It gets to a point when I become fed up with feeling like I'm going to live out my days in that black hole that consumes so much. I will be in the midst of it, and see no light at the end of the tunnel, feeling lost and forgotten. Then it randomly switches off, and I can’t remember the feeling of the gloom or how I shifted out. I always pray when I arrive at the light that I’ve seen the last of it! That my depression and anxiety are gone, and I am free. Then, unexpectedly, it will sneak back in and take over without approval. Or it will taunt me. I’ll be feeling like my normal-self then some instance will occur causing a mini-episode to make an appearance for a quick and looming cameo. During my last unwanted visit a few months ago, I took a stand. I worked toward trying to find triggers; pushing myself to become self-aware of my emotions and thoughts toward myself and others, and repetitively lifted my life, future, and thoughts to God. Constantly reminding myself that I have no control, and He knows the plan before me. Cut scene to me crying in my car on the way to my sister's house begging for a change. (The Escape…). I took a month off of my personal Instagram, I was off of YouTube, I stopped watching TV, and only allowed myself one movie a week for a month. I won’t lie, the first week and a half was a bit of a struggle. It opened a door, allowing me to enjoy reading, enjoy the moments of doing nothing, revisiting writing in my journal with more than just sad moments, and caused me to lean on God for help instead of diving into a mythical realm that only made me feel worse about where I was.
Flash Forward
As I look back to when that month ended, I felt an insurmountable lightness. I still try my best at talking positively over myself, allowing my self-criticism to turn into laughter, noticing other forms of triggers and letting them roll off my back, and trying to respect the season of life that God has me in instead of fighting against it, and ultimately allowing myself to learn to be ok with change instead of holding on so tightly to moments and things. I can’t tell you if I am out of the woods of my journey with depression and anxiety. No one can predict their future, however, I do trust that in all seasons it is how I respond and react that will propel me forward. We all have our stories and issues. But, do we dwell on them and allow them to eat us whole? Or, do we counteract them and use them as a way to: love, learn, teach, see, enjoy, trust, cherish, share, encourage, and understand that our stories are a path in the making for those that come after us? I love being vulnerable despite how scary and revealing it is. Because I can only hope that my words can encourage, uplift, or remind people (even if it's just one) that they aren’t alone in their thoughts. That there is light amidst seemingly dark times. And opportunities to learn and grow can be just as "the rage" as appearing as if they have a picture-perfect life.
Feeling Free
I can’t fully describe the feelings between depression and escaping it other than what I have already said. One is a black hole that will continually lead to nothing, but a hopeless and lonely weight. The other is like an open meadow, the air is clear, thoughts are lights, optimism is a much higher priority, and tears aren’t waiting backstage anticipating their entrance. I’ve never been one for change and I have noticed that drastic changes have seemingly become a trigger for me. Yet since I have begun to work on finding those triggers and directing my thoughts toward healthier conversations with myself, I almost feel as if I want to welcome them. I can now enjoy a show or YouTube that before was something I used to use to numb myself to the realities of the world and the looming emotions that taunted me. I can honestly enjoy them as meaningless. And that is a huge feat. It’s a true blessing to not need to feel as if I need to fake my smile anymore.
Ebbs And Flows
I can’t say in any way that switching my depression and anxiety off was my doing. Trust the process and road, give it to God, trust in His timing and plan, and remember that that weight that may attack us is not of Him. He doesn’t want us to feel that way, but He will use it as a testament to others. It’s hard being depressed or suffering from anxiety regardless of the intensity. And, only reading experiences from the perspective of someone that has come out on the other side can sometimes cause us to discount it as an uplifting source. My first post was me in the center, so I wanted to show growth and helpful tools used by someone climbing this steep and occasionally gloomy mountain with you. If you are someone struggling, you will get through this. Depression is something that you can conquer. Those words might sound frustratingly common, however, I know that the experience that you are walking through will be a weight that only makes you stronger and excited to keep fighting forward. If you are someone struggling with anxiety along with that or on its own, deep breaths, you can overcome those thoughts. Time, work, a constant fight, and God are the biggest allies we have, use them!
A little life update there for you! I hope this was able to be helpful to someone and an encouragement of how truly amazing God is. I hope that this past week was not too crazy. I appreciate your support and love hearing from you! Please feel free to subscribe and/or share The Allie-Way with someone. As always, don’t forget to follow along on Instagram (@theallie.way) I have some fun things coming up! Have a great weekend Allie-Cats!
Dru Allie
Comments