Chapter 1
Life has been go go go for her recently. Work has her feeling like she was consumed by a paperwork tornado. To go along with that storm, she has found herself in a puddle of emotions. Her days feel like they drag on and her nights feel sped up. But, it would all go away if no attention was drawn to it. So, she walked forward, feeling heavy behind a wall of smiles. She thought she was being incognito, but she’s been friends with her co-worker long enough. He’s always helped her see the sun on a gloomy day, but she never liked feeling like she was a burden on anyone. Being a pessimist was something she couldn't hide as easily and he persuaded her to drop that like it was hot. And in time, she was able to bask in that sunlight. This, this was different in her mind. Emotions that made one feel like they couldn’t skip leg day weren’t meant for conversations. They were meant to be suppressed because eventually, they would become so compact they would become irrelevant or maybe even vanish. Typically though, with past experiences, she would feel a sense of numbing in her emotional state toward herself. It was almost as if someone stuck her with a needle blocking all emotion going out, but she was still emotionally available to take care of and be there for those around her. She never judged or turned away those who came to her with their problems and heartaches, she would listen and empathize. But to her, no one needed or wanted to hear her. She was being a better friend keeping those emotions behind the door. She encouraged those to cry it out to her and allow the dam to break so the pressure would flow away. But, her dam didn’t deserve to fall nor did she want it to. She was safe in the small coverups of “I’m fine”, “just tired”, “it’s been a long day”, and “don’t worry about me”.
Chapter 2
She woke up a zombie. Eye bags drooping low, hair a wild nest, and body limp. She submerged under her cold morning shower feeling her body reprogram, even though her mind still glitched. She couldn’t scrub off the aching emotions that rolled around inside. She acknowledged the mirror by her door to reapply her smile that she tried to infuse with authentic emotion. Once she had it in place, she left for battle to ignore her inner turmoil, like always, for the next eight hours.
“And how are you this fine morning?” Her friend asked as he set a fresh cup of steaming coffee in front of her.
“Great! How are you? I saw your story about your dog. Sorry man, is she doing better?” She picked up the steaming cup and removed the lid then lifting just her eyes to his she began to blow on the handheld sauna.
“I’m good. Oh right, yeah… he's good. That’s what I get for leaving him alone with my sister…” he leaned against her desk, arms extended behind him, head tilted up.
“Who would have thought?” She ventured a sip but quickly recoiled as it grabbed her top lip. “Ah…” Her hand met her mouth.
“You sure you're good?” He tilted his head to the side and squinted his eyes in a Columbo-type probing.
“Well at the moment I think I lost my top lip, this is a little hot.” She looked down at her cup.
“Oh yeah sorry, but no you seem like something is bugging you.” He squinted his eyes as he tilted his head in her direction.
She suddenly felt exposed. Her brain raced through the different files fighting on whether to tell him, say something out of the blue, or how to turn the question back to him. She would rather him be talking than her diving into what and why she was feeling the way she was. He was simply asking out of courtesy, he didn’t actually want to know. Besides she was strong, she needed to be so others could confide in her. Even if she was someone who felt things deeply.
“I’m fine!” She gifted him a tight-lipped smile.
“Mhm, I can see that. You do know that you went through an entire internal monologue that was broadcasted through your facial expressions just a moment ago. But, if you don’t feel comfortable talking about it…I understand.” He gave a meaningful look that lingered before he pushed off her desk and lifted his arms in surrender to alleviate the tension building in the office. “Only my amazing wisdom going to waste.” He looked over his shoulder before sauntering back over to his space glowing golden by his lamp.
Chapter 3
She watched him walk away with a quick to fade exhale of relief. Then her chin found comfort in the palm of her hand making her cheek become a close acquaintance of her eye, probably inviting her wrinkles to feel welcome, but she didn’t care. She knew that he was there for her when she needed him and vice versa. She wasn’t sure why she was having this go around, if anyone were to understand the journey her emotions were on, he would. It wasn’t anything that personal other than she felt like she was admitting defeat or failing at managing the responsibilities that were presented to her, almost like admitting defeat. She slumped further into her hand then promptly sat up and looked over her shoulder to her friend's back. She took a deep breath in through her nose, closed her eyes, and balled her fists simultaneously. Then with a swift exhale, she stood and marched over to where he was back to his own work. She propped herself on the edge of his desk. They were learners in this office, what could she say? “Fine.” She dropped her shoulders in a confession of defeat. He swiveled his upper body to prop his elbow on the desk to look up at her.
“What’s up?” He looked sincere.
“Gosh, why am I struggling with this? I’d just so much rather take care of other people's issues.” She said exacerbated.
“But, how can you expect to fully help and take care of others if you can’t take care of yourself?” He looked at her with a warm and kind expression. “It can be scary, or hard, or even a little frustrating to share what we are feeling. But, if we never allow ourselves to decompress and work on being our best selves, we can’t be the best us that we or others either need or simply want around. It can be a lot, and If I’m not a safe place, that’s fine, but you need to take care of yourself and not hide behind being strong for everyone else, because eventually, you will break.” He gave her a soft smile as tears teased, teetering on the edge of spilling over. She broke eye contact and looked up blinking rapidly. Then once the tears went back into hiding, she looked at her fidgeting hands. “You're right.” She played with her ring. “It just feels like my feelings are obsolete compared to everyone else’s or like I am being weak.” Her voice hushed.
“It all matters, no one deserves different emotions over someone else and there is so much strength in knowing we can’t do things alone.” His voice was stern, but covered in a cloud.
“Always need to feel like the smartest person in the room, huh?” She looked at him, eyes still vulnerable, but mouth pulling into a smirk alleviating some of the tension blinding in the small cubicle.
Chapter 4
There is a difference between thinking of oneself and taking care of oneself. And it is important to do so. If we sideline mental-care, we won’t be our best selves and the world around us can become heavy and hazy. We can’t be our best selves until we learn to find the importance of our minds. It is good to be there and take care of others. And it can feel hard, scary, and even demeaning to express and uncover our emotions and feelings. But, there is so much strength in knowing when to ask for help, to talk through our struggles, and to lean on others. Being a rock can only last a little while before we feel ourselves begin to crumble. Being more like grass or something that flows, bends, grows, and shows when it is feeling burnt is far more sustainable in the long run.
I know I have talked about learning the strength of sharing our feelings in a past post, but making our own mental and physical space a priority helps us take steps forward. It is so important to be there for others, but we can’t do that unless we learn to be there for our own emotions. This is something that I have been working on recently so I hope this was helpful for you too. Enjoy the weekend, and don’t forget to let me know your thoughts, share this with a friend, follow on Instagram, and subscribe so you never miss a post. Thanks for reading Allie-Cats!
Dru Allie
Always such wisdom you share.