After having a companion hover over my shoulder for years, casting a shadow, constantly finding me corner after corner, I have had the longest stretch of clear skies for as far as I can remember. Now, let’s take it back to the age of 13 when I began to accept that I was struggling. I became angered easily and felt pain deeply. Years rolled on and depression stepped into the spotlight of almost every other act. With each birthday or milestone that passed, I prayed I would walk out of the storm that I felt constantly looming over me. Was it God's doing for me to endure the trials and tribulations that came with having depression? No, but He knew that He would be glorified through it and that I would grow and learn and re-discover joy. Because rain clouds turn into rainbows declaring God’s promise and love for us. This isn’t the post to talk about my journey of walking hand in hand with depression. I have a few previous posts for that like, “Let’s Start Personal…”. No, this post is an update as to where we are at today.
Letting Go Of Old Companions
For years I prayed that I would be set free from the chains of depression. Sometimes we can wear them for so long that they begin to feel like a necklace that we never take off. It is a part of our identity and we no longer remember what it feels like to be without or who we are without the weight constricting our minds. I remember talking to my sister about that, no longer aware of who I was anymore without the torment of depression's waves that would wash over me only for it to then run and hide waiting for its next visit. A little over a year ago I decided to start talking with a therapist. I had begun the journey of recognizing areas in my life that I knew I needed to change and were triggers for said waves. I began to observe aspects of myself that I wasn’t fond of and pushed to move past and forward. I prioritized vitamin D, working out to push my mind and body, and taking ownership that I could change. But, with therapy I began to grow and admit to myself things that I was too prideful or scared to say out loud. I began giving myself grace and working on accepting who I am. As I have expounded on in the past, there are a number of reasons that we experience depression. It isn’t something that we can simply catch and isn’t something that we can take a magic pill or press a button to cause it to disappear. Not even antidepressants can be an off-switch whether they help to ease the numbness or not. That doesn’t mean we should sit by just waiting for it to go away. No matter what aspect of life we are facing, we should always take a proactive approach. These past few years have been the years for that. And to finally see progress from the trials and growth through the tears is an encouragement I want to extend to whoever is feeling like the all-consuming weight of depression will be a never-ending race.
Not Yet
The summer of 2020 was the longest period that I had gone without feeling on edge that my depression would come into play. I was able to live each day with a sense of calm and began to feel joy genuinely without having whispers circulate in my mind that it was only temporary. But, then the fall of that year took form and all thoughts of me finally being out of the woods were erased. It came back with force and I have walked through tunnels of it ever since. But, as I mentioned, at the end of 2022 I began to be proactive and God began answering my prayer. I am not here to say that it is permanent, but to point out that as far as I can remember, a year is the longest I have gone without feeling lost. In the thick of it it can be easy to get mad at God for not answering our prayers when we pray them. Blaming Him for not healing us and letting us walk through this. Like with the Israelites in the Bible who were slaves in Egypt for over 400 years. They prayed asking why they were still there having such a horrible life and asked if God had forgotten them. But, God had a bigger plan and answered other prayers that the people looked over. Ultimately, God will move when He knows the timing is right to do so and He shows us His glory along the way. After talking through things and finally learning to accept who I am, I began praising God in the things I deemed small and reminding myself that he cares about it all. I began focusing on the fact that I need to take care of myself, be kind and patient, take care of my relationships and my emotions, and learn to love myself so that I can love others. I stopped the mindset that we should only prioritize ourselves and realized that the more I love others and make them feel cared for, seen, and heard, the less I notice that I am being held underwater. It is important to take care of and think about our needs because it betters us to live a life where we can enjoy the world around us.
Perspective
These past few months especially, I have tried to stop looking at my life as though it was against me and began working on looking at it with an approach that life won't change unless I do something to change it. Sounds simple, but when one spends years living with an extra weight holding them down, the world begins to feel a little bleak because we stop listening to the truth and begin to only hear the lies. Did I choose a life with depression? No, who would? But, I can choose how I live with it and if I live with it or for it. In this past year, I have had days or moments where I would feel it creep back in. By the grace of God and choosing to believe that I am healing and on the road up, that's all they were, a day or a moment. I had years where I felt lost and like I wasn't sure where I fit in with people or how to act and be authentic. Am I still figuring out who I am and how to be comfortable with being myself? Yes, absolutely, but who isn’t? I felt like my depression took over my identity and I wasn’t sure who I would be without it and crazy enough it scared me. However, I stopped giving it that power and began to look at it as a strength because now I can share my journey and struggles with people who might feel like they are walking through their path alone. I can reflect and remind myself that I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for because I didn’t let it consume me. I fought, even when I felt like that light at the end of the tunnel was a spoof. I grew my relationship with the Lord because even when I felt abandoned I leaned closer to Him and knew that He doesn’t give up on us and that He has something in store for me. He didn’t skip over me, He wanted me to learn my strength.
Nothing Is Permanent
While this has been a year of growth and one where I have been able to re-experience joy, life is one of ups and downs. As soon as life begins to feel settled our world turns into a shaker bottle and we are left to be tested again. As each new day comes, I will continue to thank God for all that He has guided me through and remind myself of the power of speaking positively over ourselves. Healing isn’t instant, it’s a journey that starts with us accepting that we are struggling and having the courage to work to heal. Depression isn’t something to be ashamed of or something that we feel we should hide. I began to see myself take a step forward when I learned other people's stories and began to share my own. I am not saying to start a blog but to at least talk with someone close to us or a therapist. Depression isn’t a punishment. And while it might feel like that, it takes us stepping back to remember that the world isn’t happening to us, but with us. We are fighters who need to fight so we can raise the survivor flag to bring awareness and be a guide for someone who is walking where we had previously stepped.
In the thick of it, it can feel like fighting is futile and our future is forever haunted by this. But, as someone who had those thoughts and has now seen that I can find blue skies, I can tell you that not even the darkest cloud can keep the sun from shining. There is hope and God does hear you. I hope this was encouraging. And I hope you all had an amazing week and have an even better weekend. Don’t forget to share this with someone, follow on Instagram, let me know your thoughts, and don’t forget to subscribe. Thanks for reading Allie-cats.
Dru Allie
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